My Way

Journal Entry #002
6.15pm

needing time to relax from the drain that i've been feeling -- stress and a routine that doesn't satisfy as much as it should -- and catch up on a lot of work I'd been behind in, I stayed in today. There was a lot of panic inside of me this weekend, and its only just starting to come back together -- although that all really sounds way too bleak. If anything, things are starting to turn around today.

While home, I've mad a lot of progress with a research paper and a novel, and will finish the day on schedule with both of them. I'll still be too behind, but that's usually where I'm at.

My big problem is having a lot to offer when I focus myself on something, but a lot of different factors keep me from staying with the energy to its ocmpletion. Like i;ll be in them middle of writing out the text when i have a very clear and percise vision about the formatting -- but since I don't know how to format it, I have to go read up on it. But I'll realize I've lost track of the orignal story's feeling, and try to go back to it -- forcing out all the vividness I can remember. I can't keep up with the energy, so I rush it out in short hand and scribbles, that make all the sense in the world at the time of their conception, but nothing days later -- when I try to make it mean more than just the concept on paper, and nothing jumps back at me or makes sense.

I get hung up on my plot hole or obsessed wit my grammar - too much wanting for the sentence to hve structure, so the content fails to be anything but words arranged in some sort of symterivcal pattern -- if by symytery I mean to say something resembling OCD.

A patient hides underneath the idea that he is a healthy human being -- ignoring the invetiable cancer from his cigarette smoking just the same as the nagging impulsion in the back of his brain: not quite a voice but defintley something that doesn't sit right. Anyway you slice it, his lungs and mind still suffer, and he's afraid to get the help he needs.

Just like that, I burnt out on my train of thought... but that's alright -- feels like I'm painting my picture darker than it needs to be :)

----
11.07pm

I made a lot of head-way -- but still fell short of where I aimed for. A trend I'm not proud of, but seem to keep in style.

But I know I can accomplish things and don't need to be the lazy dreamer whose art goes unfounded. Just need to find my way of doing things.

Need to go to bed soon so I'll actually fall asleep, so the following FREE WRITE will be short.

Looking past the first button reactions
Thrown back from the world wide web
To the vexxed researcher without skill
Found something beyond freeware
That would actually require specific calculation and care
Dare I go there?
I say I dare.

Poem Revision

Forgot to post this last night, with my inagural journal entry.

I searched through my "Free Write" folder and found this poem -- originally saved as "11.25.06 -- wake up at 5am in NH". I have family up in NH, and I'm prety sure I was riding in my family's rented mini-van when I suddenly woke up and wrote this.

I like the feeling it gives, and think it could be turned into a really solid piece.



...


Pixie dust, Diamond chain
Stretches on like cities of rain.
The towering skylights claiming fame
Burn sparkling patterns on cool black ways.

Pure blue minutes
Watch them tick -- fast away
While red hot Rocket moments
Burn away lazy (part-time) Sundays

Looking for a New place to go
Where it's slightly less marigold
All the innocent, obedient children can wait
for appropriate times and nurturing (maturing?) dates

And if Orange can be Crystal clear,
laid on in mint, milky mink coats,
then there has to be a sidenote
floating around for the nuisance we found

Barely covering up her deepest despairs
the Lacy scraps of underwear,
Just to find it'll never be there
Again
...or maybe it never even was.

Tired Crusts of what cannot be sleep
Infect my eye, plummeting in quite deep;
forcing secrets for me to keep
Deep in the cherry blossom know-nothing hills
...this was not part of the deal.

The moment I step up, I forsake
all the principals I've been taught while awake.
But, then again, that's only one plane of existence I've come to known,
only one dimension my Conscience calls home.

Otherwise, it roams
Haunting oxilated messes of parallels,
4ths of shadows, and tinkering citadels:
in which i tried to protect my curious mind
-- in over its head, but started out meaning well.

So what if I cant sleep well?
Face marked a burning mess of read and tell
With fiery stomach acid upset like hell
All the weeds all that can make it feel less hell.

Force those eyes back shut
and the creative things flooding out are begot.
Must return to the otherside of this
Inescapable living experiment.

Sleep.

Making a Commitment

Journal Entry #001 -- 3.20.07

It feels like I've done this about a million and one times before.
But it's yet to lead where it needs to.
So here's to a million and two.

I'm a Renaissance Man Artist
Whose always dabbled in many mediums
And loved the written word most

The power of story
Delivering message and meaning
Its my favorite thing about art, and its effect on humanity.

And delivering these messages
Was/Is something that has always been a talent for me.
But now...

now...
it feels like all that has changed
in these older days
where's theres so much more than
what sounds good when its heard
or left down on some page

In pursuing my dreams
Of movie making
I've gotten side tracked
From the original reason
Of creating an ideal reality--
And instead obsessing with all the technicalities.
Like film's immortality.

It's like
whereas it used to flow
Now I'm side tracked by how / when / where it will go

Obsessing on professionalism
Spelling and grammar check.
Overall impression
Organization and construction.



I guess I though I'd have made it further than this
In the past 22 years.
And although I've made it through a lot
And had tons of progress in several areas
By my immediate goals
Let alone my ultimate goals
Seem far too far away.

Which discourages more than just the artistic side
My mental and physical health in question
Feels like I'm not going anywhere with this
And it hurts my pride...

But that's the mistake
That lately all I do is make.
Being too concerned with the Destination
And forgetting the necessary steps in my Journey.
Something I want to remember
And need to remember to enjoy.

So with all that 'said'
I'm starting this blog with the hope of keeping up
Making a commitment to the progression of my self and my art
One journal entry a day
And a piece
No matter how great or small:
A free write, re-write, diagram -- anything.
Just something that shows myself I'm trying
And strengths the progress
Of a determined artist.
Trying to be
Something.

BtB.
written, not read / edited