My Way

Journal Entry #002
6.15pm

needing time to relax from the drain that i've been feeling -- stress and a routine that doesn't satisfy as much as it should -- and catch up on a lot of work I'd been behind in, I stayed in today. There was a lot of panic inside of me this weekend, and its only just starting to come back together -- although that all really sounds way too bleak. If anything, things are starting to turn around today.

While home, I've mad a lot of progress with a research paper and a novel, and will finish the day on schedule with both of them. I'll still be too behind, but that's usually where I'm at.

My big problem is having a lot to offer when I focus myself on something, but a lot of different factors keep me from staying with the energy to its ocmpletion. Like i;ll be in them middle of writing out the text when i have a very clear and percise vision about the formatting -- but since I don't know how to format it, I have to go read up on it. But I'll realize I've lost track of the orignal story's feeling, and try to go back to it -- forcing out all the vividness I can remember. I can't keep up with the energy, so I rush it out in short hand and scribbles, that make all the sense in the world at the time of their conception, but nothing days later -- when I try to make it mean more than just the concept on paper, and nothing jumps back at me or makes sense.

I get hung up on my plot hole or obsessed wit my grammar - too much wanting for the sentence to hve structure, so the content fails to be anything but words arranged in some sort of symterivcal pattern -- if by symytery I mean to say something resembling OCD.

A patient hides underneath the idea that he is a healthy human being -- ignoring the invetiable cancer from his cigarette smoking just the same as the nagging impulsion in the back of his brain: not quite a voice but defintley something that doesn't sit right. Anyway you slice it, his lungs and mind still suffer, and he's afraid to get the help he needs.

Just like that, I burnt out on my train of thought... but that's alright -- feels like I'm painting my picture darker than it needs to be :)

----
11.07pm

I made a lot of head-way -- but still fell short of where I aimed for. A trend I'm not proud of, but seem to keep in style.

But I know I can accomplish things and don't need to be the lazy dreamer whose art goes unfounded. Just need to find my way of doing things.

Need to go to bed soon so I'll actually fall asleep, so the following FREE WRITE will be short.

Looking past the first button reactions
Thrown back from the world wide web
To the vexxed researcher without skill
Found something beyond freeware
That would actually require specific calculation and care
Dare I go there?
I say I dare.